so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize