bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
