i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
