That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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