I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
