Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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