Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
