So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
