Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
