so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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