And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
