if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
