her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
