Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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