im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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