My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
