It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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