He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
