Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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