I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
