I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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