there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize