I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
