White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
