i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
