i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
