I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize