No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
