when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
