I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
