you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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