well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need to sanitize my soul.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize