My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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