Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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