The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
