false alarm. still invincible.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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