I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
