You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
