why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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