People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
His hands were made for my vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize