also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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