I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And then he peed in my hair
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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