I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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