Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
