Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
