When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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