dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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