note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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