i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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