I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
