you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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