I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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