I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
