you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize