Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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