new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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