WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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