2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
