Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
