i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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