i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
