NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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