The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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