batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
