Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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