I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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