So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
