I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
