I got chris browned last night
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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