I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
