i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
